Application to establish a new religion

Dear Sir

I hope you will look favourably at my application to start a new religion. I am sure you will be pleased to hear that like all religions mine has a deity, a prophet, a holy book and a set of guiding principles; they are:

• The right to distribute a deadly disease by denial of the use of contraceptive devices
  
• The right to mutilate the genitalia of all male offspring
  
• The right to kill animals for food by letting them bleed to death
  
• The right to deny our wives and daughters the opportunity to take part in any activities that we deem improper
  
• The right for us to deal sympathetically with our shamans that have been involved in sexual activities with children
  
• The right to advance the truth revealed in the holy book that our deity made the earth in a few days and that any so called science that refutes this is blasphemous and cannot be tolerated.
  
• The right to severely discipline our own believers if they contradict the teaching of our prophet
  
• The right to encourage the terminally ill and severely disabled to visit any of our conveniently situated shrines in order that they may be miraculously cured. And that our success rates will not need to be published in our annual accounts as this could produce a misleading impression.
  
• The right to wear our traditional costume even when it contravenes regulations that non-believers are required to obey

Once my application has been approved I understand that my new religion will receive the following advantages:

• The right to nominate our top shamans for automatic entry to the legislative chamber known as the House of Lords, so we may influence policies that may be in conflict with our own belief system.
  
• The right to exploit all the advantages received when the head of state also becomes head of our religion
  
• The right to receive tax breaks and charitable status.
  
• The right to insist on a daily act of worship in all state schools
  

I know that you will appreciate that if my new religion is ridiculed by non believers that grave offence will have been suffered and that this incitement to religious hatred will be subject to full rigor of the criminal law.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Sivad Maharg